Weight... It's a world wide issue. People are too skinny, too fat; people just aren't good enough seems to be a common theme.
I posted back in February that I was going to get back to it no matter what and it just didn't happen as easily as I thought it would. I did my cleanse to get me on the right track but at every turn there was an event or something that prevented me from sticking to my plan. When I started this whole journey I was nearly 300 pounds and I just knew that if I ever got on the scale and it said 300 I was going to die. I've managed to keep 47 pounds off but my goodness, I didn't expect to gain so much back. I'm not sure why I didn't have that expectation, but I thought I'm getting in some healthy meals every now and then. And then I stepped on the scale and saw this fat ugly mess in the mirror. That is when I started losing my mind.
I didn't start out fat. I was a thin young girl and then as I got older and secrets that I carried for a long time came out I started covering my hurts with food. I didn't have anyone really and food was always there. Everyone has their back story, people don't want to be fat and if they say they're happy about being fat they are lying. I know the struggle!
So a wonderful friend of mine approached me and said that she would help with the financial end of a program called Medifast. I was pretty sure I'd heard of Medifast and was pretty desperate for any help to lose weight. I just finished my first week and so far so good. However, I have my own deep rooted issues and weight is becoming an obsession.
I know that food cannot possibly love me. I know that I hate what eating fattening high carbohydrate meals do to me. I know that if it weren't for God, my husband, and my kids that I'd rather be dead than be fat. Yes, you read that right. I know that there is no miracle cure to shedding the fat other than working hard to make healthier choices and exercise, I'm well aware. BUT I need a tool that helps me know when enough is enough. I know in my head that I need to make wise choices and for the most part I'm pretty good at that, but as any of you struggling with weight problems know, your mind/brain/best intentions have a way of failing you as soon as all the choices are in front of you. Even a healthier choice can be bad if you eat too much of it. And that is the problem, I can graze like a cow coming and going and if I'm lucky that thing that tells you to stop eating because you're full will ding; however, that is rare.
So, I'm gonna say it... I want weight loss surgery. I want to get the gastric sleeve. I need a tool to help me stay physically aware of my limitations and help me lose weight. It's not all about getting the surgery so I can eat whatever the heck I want, it's about being able to eat foods that I like every once in a while and not having this extreme guilt and shame over it. The problem is that I can't get my biggest supporter on board! And that is killing me.
I'm sticking with the Medifast, but I've considered so many other methods to help aid quicker weight loss results. I've looked into the Lemonade Diet, the Air diet, and other Pro Ana diets that will help shed pounds drastically. The problem is that those methods aren't healthy and I know the minute I make one unhealthy choice I'm going to gain it all back plus some.
I NEED the support of the person I love most because without it I can't do this. I can't do it either way. I need his full support on doing the au naturale way by holding me accountable and/or his full support with weight loss surgery.
I'm beyond miserable. I'm depressed, I'm angry, and I can't stand myself. If there were a way to get outside of me I would. I'm tired of being fat and I'm tired of working so hard to lose just a pound only to gain it back if I choose to go out to eat or plan a ladies tea with friends. I weigh myself every chance I get. I feel like I have to punish myself the next day or at the next meal time for eating a meal out because I was too tired from the day to cook. I'm working out extra to shed extra calories in hopes that I won't gain 5 pounds back from eating a whole taco salad.
I've come to a place where the excuses have run out. I'm so miserable that I'd rather be miserable by myself than bother anyone else with my misery. Slowly but surely I'm working on changing me, but this obsession over weight and the lack of positive support I have is draining me.
Thanks for hearing me out.
Adrian
